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Four Techniques a Narcissist Uses
She was just a teenager when she met him. He was damaged goods. But he was beautiful… on the outside, any young girl would have thought the same. He had already learned the art of manipulation. He was no longer tender. Definitely way past that one. It started out bad and stayed bad. Rotten does not become fresh. She was too young to know such things. The stars in her eyes were far too bright.
How does a man-child become rotten at such a young age? Is it genetics, temperament, environment? His cake had been baked with all the ingredients to make a perfect narcissist. Oh, is that a bad word? Believe it, one of the worst! Living in a home with a doting and pampering grandmother and mother; coupled with an emotionally unavailable grandfather. The icing on the cake, an alcoholic father who abused the family before he was at the age of ten and then deserted. The boy had no discipline. He ruled the household. Recipe? That one had a double cup full of environment.
Girl meets boy. Boy manipulates girl. Girl eventually marries boy. It’s an old story. For whatever reason, she was what he wanted. And thus, it began. If a narcissist wants someone, they will use any form of manipulation to get and then and means to keep that person in their control until they no longer want them.
#1 Control
Young and naïve but willful she obviously had a mind of her own but with harsh control her thinking patterns changed. She came to the point where she could no longer make sense of the life she was living. It became a maze. Her life dragged on, year after torturous year.
#1 Fear
She schemed for years about how she and her children could get away but saw no clear path. From day one he had started to instill in her fear of what he would do to her and then the children. She saw no way out; her thoughts became tangled.
#3 Isolation
She was isolated from family and friends. Embarrassed and afraid, she kept the secrets. There was no help. This was his greatest weapon. They appeared to be the perfect family. He was known to be a wonderful person outside the four walls of his home. Inside everyone lived in dread of what would happen next. They walked on eggshells.
#4 Discard
Ultimately it all exploded as if a nuclear weapon had gone off in her life. Everything she had loved, her home and her children, were scattered in one night. She did not love him. When he said, “I don’t want you anymore,” it was a relief, such a sweet relief. But her home was gone. He made sure of that. He took everything. The children’s lifelong home was disassembled. There was no home to come back to anymore. He took anything and everything and used it as he wanted. He set out to destroy her. He could not bear the thought that she could survive without him. It was, after all, only about him. No one else mattered. Period.
Their story ended. The story that had started so long ago. The story that should have never been. The ending was the beginning for her. She was able to begin to heal from years of abuse. Was she scarred? Of course, but there will be a process of recovery. There will be grieving but there can be happiness. Laughter can returned. She can breathe!
And as she heals, her heart breaks for her children who endured the same monstrous abuse. Her tears will never be payment enough. There can never be sufficient apologies…and they grieve and listen to each other… it can take years.
It is the children who will carry lifelong wounds and scars from such a father and that will be the primary concern.
Under such conditions, the mother can never be everything she needs to be. There are parental deficiencies. The children’s world view is skewed. That can be ameliorated to an extent, but their hard-wiring is developmentally changed. Mental Health issues are usually solidified as they grow into adulthood. They are prone to have depression, anxiety problems even as severe as panic attacks. Even their own personality issues. Substance abuse is always a concern. Maturation is an issue, as is underachieving or overachieving. The voice they hear in their head is their father’s cruelty. Still they have many resiliency factors that protected them in the harshest of times.
For the young woman who fell in love with the wrong young man, there may have been a good foundation from good parents that added to her mental health factors. For the children in such a household, all they knew was the cruel chaos into which they were born. As adults they have their mother. Their father will only want them if they can make him look good. Usually they can’t or won’t have anything to do with him.
In the end who loses the most? The narcissist will continually be seeking for his next fix, the next thing he wants. He will find only temporary happiness. The family that he left behind can still love. For as they find their way back to stability they realize they can enjoy life together. They will always share a common history but they have each other. Priceless!!!
